Late Night Election Humor with Jay Leno

A collection of one liners and short election jokes from Jay Leno regarding the 2008 presidential race

“Isn’t that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party.” –Jay Leno

“Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani says he’s going to try to follow Ronald Reagan’s 11th commandment that a Republican should never attack another Republican. Let’s hope he has better luck with the 11th commandment than he did with the 7th commandment.” –Jay Leno

“There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don’t think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, ‘I need more lines.'” -Jay Leno

“According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters — kind of prickly voters — are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming — Hillary thawing.” -Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton is now saying she is having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement … which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. … The last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document was their marriage license.” -Jay Leno

“After the debate they go into these spin rooms — all the people from the various campaigns — and tell you how their candidates won. Like Fred Thompson’s people said he won because he didn’t fall asleep. … Mitt Romney’s campaign said he won because he had two positions on every issue. … And Rudy’s campaign said he won because he lasted the entire time without one cell phone call from his wife.” -Jay Leno

“Last night was the premiere of ‘Dancing Around The Issues,’ otherwise known as the Democratic presidential debate. … The three Democratic frontrunners said last night … that setting a timetable for complete withdrawal is irresponsible, because you can’t project what the future situation will be in Iraq and pulling out troops basically depends on the situation on the ground. Otherwise known as the ‘Bush plan.'” –Jay Leno

“John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He’s now doing something called his ‘Poverty Tour’, where he’s visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain’s headquarters.” –Jay Leno

“In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn’t give up having sex. Ironically, that’s also what ended his first and second marriages.” –Jay Leno

“They say it’s just a matter of time before former senator and ‘Law & Order’ actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn’t offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys.” –Jay Leno

“Do you realize if Fred Thompson runs against Hillary Clinton, it’ll be ‘Law & Order’ versus ‘Cold Case’?” –Jay Leno

“Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani says he believes in a woman’s right to choose, and he’s shown that time and time again when it comes to choosing women. He’s likes to have his choice. I think this is his third one.” –Jay Leno

“The candidates came prepared. Rudy Giuliani, of course, brought his energy; McCain brought his experience; Mitt Romney brought his charm; Mike Huckabee brought his name tag.” –Jay Leno, on the Republican debate

“My favorite part of the debate was when Chris Matthews asked, ‘Who does not believe in evolution?’ And Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo all raised their paw. … They said they do not believe in evolution. Then they said the biggest threat to America is religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. ” –Jay Leno

“At the Reagan Library last night, President Bush’s name was only mentioned once … in the entire debate. But to be fair, you often don’t hear Bush’s name mentioned in libraries.” –Jay Leno

“When the Associated Press asked all the candidates what their dream job would be if they couldn’t be president, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson said his dream job would be center fielder for the New York Yankees. Joe Biden said he wanted to be an architect. And Dennis Kucinich said his dream is to grow up and one day become a real, live boy” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.” –Jay Leno

“John Edwards apologized for his $400 haircut. He said it was a mistake … especially in the back, where they didn’t feather enough.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. … She raised $26 million. Which is kind of risky, you know. If she ends up with too much money, she may have to run as a Republican.” –Jay Leno

“The big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton has raised. It’s a record. She raised $26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had leftover from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. Hillary Clinton has so much money … John Kerry is now hitting on her.” –Jay Leno

“A big issue this year is how many of these presidential candidates are guys that have been divorced — some of them two or three times. Do you think that hurts the candidate? See, I think it gives them valuable experience. They know how to negotiate with the enemy.” –Jay Leno

“Although Hillary Clinton set the mark by raising $26 million for her presidential campaign in the first quarter of 2007, Mitt Romney, the Republican, was right behind her with $23 million. That’s something Hillary hasn’t felt in 20 years — a man breathing down her neck.” –Jay Leno

“We’re now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers’ dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife.” –Jay Leno
“Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it’s okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That’s when you know the Republicans are in trouble — when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton.” –Jay Leno

“Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has his first presidential campaign commercial. In the ad, which is now running, Romney says, ‘This is not the time for talk and dithering in DC.’ Making him the first candidate to come out against ‘dithering.'” –Jay Leno

“Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced he’s running for president. If he wins, he’d be the first Mormon president. Apparently, Romney is planning on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them.” –Conan O’Brien “Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama ‘the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean.’ I think we’ve seen the shortest presidential campaign in history.” –Jay Leno

“Democrats have a lot of choices. Hillary Clinton would be the first woman president. Bill Richardson would be the first Hispanic president. Barack Obama would be the first black president. And Dennis Kucinich would be the first hobbit president.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the big question political experts are asking now is what role will Bill Clinton play in Hillary’s campaign. I’m guessing ‘the cheating husband.'” –Jay Leno

“John Kerry has announced he will not run for president in 2008. But, he has not ruled out losing in 2012.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Barack Obama has jumped into the presidential race. … That’s the big rumor. Barack will officially announce on the ‘Oprah’ show. I think Hillary will announce on ‘Trading Spouses,’ and of course, John Kerry will announce on ‘The Biggest Loser.'” –Jay Leno

“Connecticut Senator Christopher Dodd, a Democrat, has announced he is running for president. Dodd said over the past few weeks he’s been having a conversation with the mirror about running. The bad news? Today, the guy in the mirror came out in favor of Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll has Hillary Clinton coming in fourth among Democratic hopefuls in Iowa. Which is not really bad considering she came in eighth behind other women in her own home.” –Jay Leno

“Now that his potential presidential campaign is gaining strength, people are getting more and more interested in the origin of the fascinating name, Barack Obama. Turns out Barack Obama translates to ‘Hillary’s worst nightmare'” –Jay Leno

“Momentum continues for Barack Obama’s campaign. Actually, do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is? Hussein. Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been Kerry.” –Jay Leno

“In presidential news, somebody leaked Rudy Giuliani’s entire 140-page campaign plan to the press. Giuliani is calling it a dirty trick. He said it was stolen while he was in Florida. Which is not the first time a presidential race has been stolen in Florida.” –Jay Leno

“Close friends of Hillary Clinton have started whispering she might not run for president in 2008. You see, when they say someone’s a close friend of Hillary, that just means Bill hasn’t nailed them yet.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney may run for president. Some wonder if a Mormon could be elected president. I think hedd make a fine president. He’d be standing up there with his 18 first ladies.” –Jay Leno

“Indiana Senator Evan Bayh announced he is starting a presidential exploratory committee. Right now the two Democrats throwing their hat in the ring are Tom Vilsack and Evan Bayh. To give you an idea of how unknown these guys are, their Secret Service code names are Tom Vilsack and Evan Bayh.” –Jay Leno

“Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack officially announced he is running for president. He said his number one priority for America, get people to stop giggling at the name Vilsack.” –Jay Leno

“Problems for Mitt Romney. The main part of his campaign has been attacking illegal immigration. Well, it turns out his lawn is being taken care of and landscaped by illegal immigrants. Not only is he in trouble politically, but Wal-Mart is now accusing him of taking their employees.” –Jay Leno

“Ted Kennedy said even if Hillary Clinton runs for presidnet, he will still support John Kerry for the Democratic nomination in 2008. Ted Kennedy backing John Kerry — you know what they say, two giant heads are better than one.” –Jay Leno

“The word is Dick Cheney is thinking of running for 2008. His catchy slogan: The Pulse Stops Here.” –Jay Leno

“There’s a rumor Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. If he wins, that would make him the first three-term president since Franklin Roosevelt.” –Jay Leno


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